The AntiKris

So because I am super stoned, and the only cash I had on me was $7, I ordered gummy bears and a 22 ounce Bud Light Lime from the bodega.  My delivery man comes, and it’s one of my old timers.  He’s nice as pie, but he chit chats with me every time he comes.  ”How was work, what do you have planned for the weekend, this weather is no bueno”.  It’s like a years supply of banality in 5 minutes of awkward cash/product exchange.  I seriously get so annoyed that sometimes I make my roommate answer the door when I order something and usually he/they ask where I am, and what I am up to.  Oh yeah, there’s more than one of my Bodega delivery dudes that chat me up.  

Anyway, too high to deal with another minute of it I say when he asks how I am “I’m super stoned, hence the gummy bears”.  And he says “well, Jesus and I dont judge”.  I think he will never bother me again.  

WHO THE FUCK SAID GETTING STONED WASNT BENEFICIAL TO A HEALTHY AND PRODUCTIVE LIFESTYLE? I’ve just shaved an uncomfortable 10 minutes a week from my life! Booyah!

AntiKris found her pot and is about to watch the original Footloose on HBO.  

Life just gets better when you keep hope alive. 

Today I was on the train and there was this CRAZY ass woman making all kinds of a fuss and I thought to myself “Man, I gotta get married one day so I have someone to put my ass in a home so I aint that crazy lady on the train in 30 years”

Double edge sword, my friends….life will cut you whichever way you go. 

So last night I was telling JC, my current object of erection, that I was thinking of leaving the dating site.  He asked, “why, isnt that like your schtick?  Isnt that what you like to write about?”  After explaining to him that people in “real life” actually ask me out as well, I started to give my reasoning for being over the dating site.  

I get somewhere around 20 emails a day.  More so on Fridays as dudes want to try and secure the “weekend booty”.  Almost every email is some guy trying to showcase his best possible game with the hopes that his clever email will camouflage his male pattern baldness, spare tire, general lack of attractiveness, and flat sense of humor.  It’s getting right fucking depressing.  

Since rejoining the dating site about 7 months ago, after breakup part deux with a certain ex boyfriend, I’ve only been out with one man I’ve gone out with more than once from that site….and that’s JC.  I swear there isnt enough tequila in this city to make me get undressed for ANY of these men who email me.  I’m over it. 

I’m coming to the realization, and a happy realization at that, that I am happier alone.  I do better in life when alone.  Perhaps it’s just that I havent met the right person, but it’s so nice not having drama, not having to answer to someone, and not having unrealistic expectations.  

I’ve been in love for real I think once, and it was a nightmare.  It was great…like really great 40% of the time, but the other 60% was filled with mistrust, loneliness, and horrific confusion and sadness.  

I’ve always thought I was a hopeless romantic, but I’m starting to think that I am just a woman who is content with a little “go to piece”, and a good group of friends.  The dating site is like a Garbage Pail Kids collection of men, all trying to get in my pants, and I dont think I will find “the one” there.  

I’m getting really tired of living in a society where we have to endure pharmaceutical commercials.  I am in my 30’s, believe me, I am well aware of Erectile Dysfunction or like dudes like to call it “whiskey dick”.  I think men who have ED are also well aware of their issues and know their options.  Forcing us to watch an awkward commercial showing some late 40’s dude trying to romance his wife while listing the 35 side effects possibly resulting in anal leakage or death is not helping the cause.  However an erection lasting 4 hours or longer doesnt sound like the worst thing in the world.  Just sayin…..