December 2011
Can someone come over
with some WD40? How else am I gonna get my Christmas ass into this size 2 sequin mini skirt?
Oof. NO MORE FUDGE, KRIS. STOP IT!
Watching Scarface depresses me because it reminds me of all the losers I’ve dated who had a Scarface poster in their room/apartment/house.
So I forgot I hooked up my surround sound speakers the other day. Me and the roommate are watching Scarface. My high ass could have sworn there were angry Cubans at my door for the first 20 minutes of the movie.
A story after my own heart →
Update:
I feel AMAZING.
Women Who Drink Wine Every Day Say They Have... →
caro:
Worth it for the comments.
Another go at this....
So I just ate another piece of the cookie. This time I ate half the amount and remembered to have dinner first. We’ll see how this goes……
Russell Brand Files for Divorce from Katy Perry →
brianvan:youfancygirl:
Good. Now I can throw myself at him.
Like seriously
The piece I ate was a square inch.
Pot cookie FAIL
I tried a tiny little piece of my cookies last night and was so wasted I was spouting gibberish and apparently snoring so loud I could wake the dead. Now I seriously have ZERO plans for New Years
Oh yeah....
6. Picnics (thanks, BV)
7. Have more good sex.
8. Have more good sex on pot
9. Have more good sex on pot in exotic locations
10. Have more good sex on pot in exotic locations which I’ve traveled to to surf!
Ok, 10 is good I think.
Now's the time.....
To ramble on about your New Year’s resolutions. I was never one to make any resolutions for myself and perhaps that’s been a problem. So this year, I am setting some goals.
1. Be completely cigarette free. Like for real. Not “oh, well I am drinking so I can have this one”, or “God, it’s been a rough day so it’s ok this time”, or whatever other...
Things that happened to me in the past 4 days
1. A teenage boy saw my boobs and STILL wouldnt give me the window seat on the train.
2. Stood for 35 minutes in the rain.
3. Woke up to a dick in my face (not in a good way)
4. Was grabbed by a man wearing a hoop earring and a backwards hat.
5. Ate 3/4 of a honey baked ham, and then had several issues associated with that.
6. Sat next to a dude on the bus snorting coke.
7. Had a bum...
What's going on with me
I cannot even write about what is going on in my life right now because it is just too weird for the internet. Let’s just say my Christmas vacation involved getting dry humped while I was sleeping. Yeah.
I just spent way too much time on this →
Awesome
It really bothers me that.....
That M83 song I like is used in a Victoria’s Secret commercial. Victoria’s Secret stuff is the cheapest made, over-priced nonsense out there. $50 for a stupid bra that doesnt even last a year?! M83…you are less cool to me now.
Signs you may be a stoner
When you’re sitting around in boxers, watching Beavis and Butthead and just ordered Gummy Bears and a coconut water from the bodega.
“These bitches were just unattractive and unpopular in High School so they all...”
– Me-shouting at the TV again. There’s so much to say about this show.
“RECLAIMED VIRGIN GTFO!!!”
– Me-shouting at the TV
PLEASE BURN MY EYES OUT OF MY SKULL →
Flirting in my world
Me: How was the cake, fatass?
Him: Why so hateful and negative, grinch-ass-bitch? The cake was delicious.
Me: I'm hateful because I cant eat it and gluten-free cake tastes like dog rectum.
Him: I understand. You have a reason to be bitter. Just keep in mind that in some cultures, dog rectum is considered holiday cake.
Oh for God's Sake!!!!
The Virgin Diaries? Seriously? Now I have this to watch? This may be more embarrassing than my secret interest in watching the Kardashians.
Fact:
My blasted period is due on 12/25. While I am on vacation.
Merry Fucking Christmas, Kris.
This is a beautiful story →
Should I be concerned or laugh?
JK, my favorite of all the ex’s just called me WASTED OUT OF HIS MIND and made me listen to Christmas music with him over the phone. It’s 9:45pm, he’s home alone, shit house drunk, and calling his ex to play Christmas music. I felt bad to get off the phone with him, but I’m super high and watching Steel Magnolias and I just couldnt handle that.
There is nothing cuter than this. NOTHING →
“Somebody thinks they’re downloading a piece of software off the Internet but...”
– Authorities from around the globe are experimenting with software that can track the online movements of dissidents. (via nprfreshair)
I just sent the following text
“Ive had mostly bad sex, unfortunately”
and it is completely true. In my entire fucking career, I can think of 3 men who knew what they were doing. How sad is that? I think I will create a list of the several stylings of the bad sexers I’ve encountered….
1. The Dead Fish: You know him, he’s the super sexy guy you meet and fantasize about. You know that once you...
