Why Nobody Is Getting Laid →
My Dearest Irene,
I wanted to personally thank you for forcing me to stay home all weekend, in turn smoking almost ALL my pot, eating a weeks worth of junk food, watching way too many chick flicks, and not getting laid. You fucking little dick tease. Worst. Hurricane. EVER.
I feel so bad for dudes trapped in apartments with their girlfriends tonight because all that is on TV tonight is a million Romantic Comedies.
I THINK I HEARD THUNDER!
THIS STORM IS FUCKING BORING
I am so bored
Everyone kept saying “MAKE SURE YOU GET BATTERIES!” and I just blew it off and got water, cheezits and wine. MY VIBRATOR IS OUT OF BATTERIES! NOW THE BODEGA IS OUT OF BATTERIES. IRENE: 1 ANTIKRIS: 0
Gotta give it to Irene........
She’s the only motha fucker in the world who’s been able to make me feel bad about being single. This feels like Valentine’s Day….if I cared about Valentine’s Day. I just want a nice warm peen to cuddle up to
So I went to the store and I have
3 bottles of wine Weed (already had) Cheezits Water (boring) Kim Chi Baby wipes (in case I cant shower) Things still need to get…..a hot man to hunker down with. Current/Past booty call lives in mandatory evacuation zone :(
Here Comes the Pun: Yeah, um, what should I do... →
I am in the same boat. Most of my friends live in the evacuation zone. I bought a ton of wine, some crackers, have lots of weed, and am just gonna live tweet the whole damn thing. Hopefully I have cell service! ohhleary: I really think I should leave the city. There’s no safe place for me to be here, right? I can’t stay home, because I have no “interior room” to seek shelter in. I could be...
Who wants to come to Rockaway with me tomorrow morning to watch the show!!!
When I look at my buddy list on iChat I dont know who 90% of the people are. I have the urge to send an IM and ask “who are you”, but I fear that will then wrap me into some awful conversation with someone who isnt even worth remembering. Oh technology with your fly-by-night friendships….
was a really bad night….for so many reasons. I cant wait to get out of town.
I felt like a lamb chop in a lion cage. Sausage parties are annoying…..
The bad part about PMS
I’d post a picture of my ass right now but I’d probably lose at least 50% of my followers. I’m giving Kim Kardashian a run for her money today. This weekend in a bikini should be an interesting look.
We are all terrified to take our clothing off and equally eager to show our...– Drew Zandonella-Stannard, What We Have Going for Us
I am scheduled to work tomorrow and got an invite to head out to Montauk tonight after work. Usually my Saturday appointments are really easy about rescheduling. I called and tried to move them all to Sunday and the flipping ASSBAG that I have scheduled for noon tomorrow was a COMPLETE DICK to me about it. I asked if I could see him Sunday, tonight, Monday, and he was AWFUL to me. He isnt even...
When the romance is gone...
I just witnessed some chick pop a zit on her boyfriends neck while standing at the cross walk
Some maniac just took a whole 3 minutes to order an iced coffee at Starbucks. This fucking jackass had to ask what sizes they had, went from milk to cream, then back to milk….then ordered a hot coffee….black
Is my vagina made of board wax or something?
On my dating profile I mention nothing of surfing. I dont even go on about how much I love the beach or anything like that. Yet for some reason, I receive at least 5 emails a week from surfers. The surf community in NY is a small one, and they all apparently want to ride my wave.
When you know you're too good of friends with your...
When he answers the phone and says “I am in the little boys room”
Man shoots off penis……with girlfriend’s pink pistol……..and this is in the literal sense.
On Bedford Ave these days....
I just had this conversation. Street douche: why are you wearing that stupid hat? You just come from the hamptons or something? Me: um, actually yeah SD: I dont believe you Me: well I’ve still got sand in my cooch if you want to clean it out for me. SD: yo, nah man. Thats too much