Date Donts
So I was chatting with a friend complaining about her bloodstains (humming Agent Orange song) and it reminded me of the biggest “date dont” I can think of.
I had met this guy years and years ago. Pretty cute, fucked teeth, but tall and thin. He had invited me on a date. He invited me to go hiking. I am not much of a nature person so this wasnt the most appealing date to me, but i thought, “ok, lets try something different”. Unfortunately my good old right of womanhood was knockin at the door, but no worries, with tampons you can do anything…even swim! That is what the commercials will have you believe at least. Tampon commercials LIE!
I go to meet the dude at some random mountain in CT and we begin our hike. I’m all plugged up and at this point still had faith in the tampon. Of course he’s hiking up behind me to protect me in case I fall (such a gentleman). As the hill gets steeper I am having to take wider steps to climb, grabbing onto rocks and whatever twig or branch may save me a plummet of death. Right as we reach the top I realize I am sopping wet. Apparently tampons dont do the trick quite as well when you’re bending and stretching in ways that your body is not meant to move. That 3 hours it was supposed to last ended up being more like 1.5 and I found myself in quite a pickle. Has he noticed? Was he going to say anything? Should I say something? What the fuck?
We ended our hiking adventure with me saying, “oh man I really need to pee”, buying some insane sweater at the gas station (they have sweaters at gas stations?) claiming I was cold, then immediately complaining I was hot, in turn, wrapping sweater around waist and joking about how weird it was that I went from cold to hot so quickly (it was june I think).
Anyway, he never called again.
lesson learned…dont bleed and hike. May not even want to bleed and date.
